Maggie

ilovemusicx @ 2004-10-02T12:05:00

2004-10-02T16:11:48Z

so i wrote my mom and really nice note inside her birthday card apologizng, thanking, and telling her i loved her. if i feel like it i'll type it later...

so last night vance, his 2 friends, and i went to my high school football game. a bunch of my friends met him and all thought he was gorgeous hehe. well compared to the guys at school, he most defiantely is.
we were driving to the base, and they wouldn't let me on last time because it was past 10 and i wasn't 19, so i asked if it would be a problem cuz it was 10:30, and he said 'no, that's a bunch of bull shit...if they won't let me bring my adult girlfriend on base, i'm gonna write them a complaint letter'. and i looked at him, and he looked away, and i kept looking back at him, and 30 seconds later he goes, 'yeah that's right, i called you my girlfriend'. it was SO CUTE.

i haven't had a boyfriend...in YEARS. i mean that. josh was my last boyfriend. it feels weird to say 'i have a boyfriend'. yay. and i just had too much fun with him last night. we went back to the base, started to watch a movie with a bunch of his friends, and then we fell asleep, then we went back to his room, and just fell asleep. we didn't even make out. but we were too tired to even kiss. but i loved that we didn't do anything!

so yes, i love toby lightman and tyler hilton. and i got the new used cd and it's flipping...no FUCKING fantastic.

i finally told my mom everything...

2004-06-04T05:52:33Z

i woke up today wanting to get better, and i had a really small breakfast and then i bought a muffin and ate half of it for lunch.

so allison found my journal and has been reading it for god knows how long...but i guess it's fair cuz i've been reading hers for a couple of weeks. so i just told her that we shouldn't be friends anymore.

on top of that...keeping this short...i finally blew up at my mom and told her everything, that i hated her and why i hated her. and she called me fake and told me a lot of shit too. i don't want to have a relationship with her, so i'm thinking of moving to new orleans for my sr year. but i don't know if i'm ready to sacrifice everything i have going here with music and all my friends and starting a new life when i should be ending a chapter.
we took the metro to dc and we didn't walk anywhere near eachother. we didn't sit near eachother on the metro. we didn't talk all night. no one would have known that we were related by the way we were acting. sitting next to eachother, we didn't say a word to eachother while the show was going on. we got home and i was going to leave the house but she took away the keys.
i got online and shawn was on and i imed him cuz no one else was on...people were on but not anyone i would have talked to about my life, and he talked to me for about 2 minutes, then said he had to go, and got off. he said to relax, try to sleep, and to call me in the morning and talk to him. that's great shawn...i might need someone in the morning, BUT I FUCKING NEEDED SOMEONE TONIGHT BEFORE I SHOT MY HEAD OFF.
i went outside for a half hour and smoked, and thought about things.

what the hell is it like to be happy?

and how does it feel to know the answers...cuz i don't have a damn clue.

mom knows i smoke, allison talks to shawn about me

2004-06-03T21:44:58Z

so i'm going to see grease tonight in dc. i'm so excited.

meg told my mom yesterday that i smoked. i guess it's supposed to help our relationship out if i'm not sneaking behind my mom's back or something...who knows. whatever, i really didn't care that she knew. i almost laughed when she came in and told me she knew...took her almost a year to figure it out. meg thinks i hate my mom cuz she's a bad parent. that could be true. then i was talking to erin today and she made me realize that my dad pays alot of attention to me and always tries to fix things when they are wrong and never wants me to be sad and always tries to make me happy and spends alot of time with me. my mom doesn't do any of that. so that's another reason. but like i said, i don't care that my mom knows...i'll be 18 in 26 days anyway...she just no smoking in the house or in the car. well you can't tell if i'm smoking in the car if the windows are all down, but i try not to. plus i can smoke outside now that i dont' care if anyone finds out. a bunch of my friends have been smoking outside and someone sees them and calls their parents...anyways.
she just kept saying 'i'm so sick of this i'm just so sick of it' and she said she ment sick of everything 'being fine' and then something hitting her in the face. so she's sick of me...thanks a bunch. and she's SOO PISSED today. it's so crapy being in the same house as her.

and jenn (not the freshman jenn, the senior jenn who i sit next to in physics), we are really good friends, and she used to be friends with allison a few years ago. she told me today that allison has been telling shawn absolutely EVERYTHING about me and everything. jenn and i decided that the only reason she tells shawn, is so she has a reason to talk to shawn and gets his attention. and it's so true, cuz part of the reason i promote the band is b/c everytime someone says something good about them, i get to tell shawn. but that's not WHY i promote them, it's just a benefit. anyways...i decided that allison and i were not going to talk to eachother about our problems b/c we bring eachother down. we will still hang out and go to concerts together, but absolutely no talking about problems. and i told her to stop talking to shawn about my problems...that he was the LAST person on earth that i would want to know about the whole eating thing. and she exaggerates SO MUCH and i think she told shawn that i was REALLY UPSET when we stopped dating, and that's why shawn apologizes so much. so i told her not to talk to shawn about me at all. so now she will have nothing to talk to shawn about...ha.

ok that's all for now...dammit toni i miss you so much!

new band: Fall Out Boy. hot shit.

ilovemusicx @ 2004-06-02T12:08:00

2004-06-02T16:08:59Z

at school right now...thought i'd say hey to whoever reads this lol. i'm bored.

my birthday

2004-06-01T23:55:43Z

so i decided what i want for my birthday...

me
and elana
in a room
and this guy named stephen
and he'll have his guitar
and this guy will be singing this song to us
and the song is called diamond.

how i feel...

2004-06-01T23:47:55Z

when i don't eat i feel:
- alone
- worthless
- depressed
- sad
- in control
- like i can do anything
- like going out and having a great time
- like hanging out with friends
- like shopping for clothes
- like driving with the windows down
- empty
- dead
- like i want to die b/c i'm worthless

---------------------------------
when i eat i feel:
- regret
- fat
- ugly
- disgusting
- like i can't do anything
- out of control
- worthless
- everything makes me cry
- angry
- like the day needs to end so i can start over and correct my mistakes
- like i want to die cuz i can't stand living like this anymore
- it's hard to breathe

---------------------------------
i'd rather feel everything i feel with i don't eat, b/c feeling regret, feeling out of control, not being able to breathe, are all 10 times worse than every bad feeling put together when i don't eat.

ilovemusicx @ 2004-05-31T21:56:00

2004-06-01T02:00:12Z

so...yet another week of crap. hopefully this week will be better than last week.

3 more weeks of school. i can definately handle that.

i'm gonna start getting off the computer at 10 cuz i need to start sleeping better. plus i have sleeping pills now.

i'm getting my hair cut this week...just a few inches so it's still below my shoulders...i'm just sick of it being so long and i want a change.

and i'm going to see grease off broadway with my mom on thursday. should be lots of fun.

MY SPACE

2004-05-31T22:45:09Z

http://profile.myspace.com/users/4149525

boring la da da

2004-05-31T22:06:08Z

la da da...

boring monday.

i love khaki.

i miss toni.

i'm so glad elana is back in town!

all i gotta say is...

i'll be 18

in

29 days.

holy hot damn.

donnie darko

2004-05-31T18:09:54Z

i went to bed at 5am. it was awesome. a little glimpse into what my summer will be like...i moved the tv into my room and watched donnie darko. what a WEIRD movie. it was awesome. i need to watch it again. everyone see it.

lenny, jonny lang, day after tomorrow

2004-05-31T01:05:04Z

so last night, i went to jen's and we had fun at her house for a while.

then i woke up today, and met this guy that i met online. i have this 'my space' diary thingy, it's fun, and this guy messaged me 3 days ago saying i was beautiful. (i got about 20 messages from random guys, but he was the only 20 year old, the rest were 25+). anyways, i didn't have a picture cuz he didn't have any pics on his computer, but he seemed cocky enough and he told me he was hot and not to worry. so we talked for a while, talked on the phone for an hour. i didn't want to meet him cuz i had no idea who he was and that's just weird...! but last night i was in such a mood to just go out and be crazy, so i told him i wanted to meet him, but he was busy and it was too late. so i met him today at 2pm. we went to see 'the day after tomorrow'. he was hot at first, but then i just kept looking at him, and he wasn't. he looks like tom petty...who is disgustingly ugly. and this guy is just not for me. he really isn't a big music person, and on the other hand, he's really athletic and sportsy and jocky and it's just not me at all. he was too confident lol and just like not me. AT ALL. so i'm not going to see him again. i was so nervous he was going to be a cop or something and when i met him he would be like 'why are you meeting random guys' and get me in trouble lol. but he wasn't. so that was nice. and his name was lenny...i mean that's one of the worst 5 names u can have haha.
i just kept thinking how much better shawn and hopper were...i just could never ever be with someone who wasn't OBSESSED with music...like u have to be obsessed or i just don't understand you at all.
i'm gonna read this one day, when i marry a musician who is as big as bob dylan or something, and i'm gonna be like 'yeah that's right'. :-P

so the day after tomorrow...i was obsessed with weather when i was young, and this was exacly my type of movie. plus what's his face is in it and he's GORGEOUS. and the girl was SO PRETTY. anyways...awesome movie, i'm terrified of weather now. it creeps me out. big time.

so i got jonny lang's cd today. it kicks ASS. he's great. he's like gavin degraw, but he's bluesy and his voice is really soulful. it's HOT. but his two best songs are the ones not written by him. HA. o well, he's amazing.

soco song

2004-05-30T22:04:12Z

According to the Which Something Corporate Song Are You? Test...

raising helen

2004-05-30T01:52:43Z

i saw raising helen today with my mom. it was such a good movie, kate hudson is absolutely gorgeous. but it was really sad too, eventhough it was a happy movie. i cried like 3 times during it.

so who knows what i'm doing tonight....

Travis's letter

2004-05-28T20:58:44Z

i wrote a poem a few weeks ago called 'tomorrow' and i put it up on poetry.com. they sent me a letter last night, saying it was going to be published in a book. they sent the letter, and you could read the poem without opening the letter so my mom got all freaked out and called my dad, then called meg. it was gay. then my dad told her that travis had written poems like that, and that travis wrote me a letter before he died. my dad sent the letter to meg 3 months ago. i had no idea, and i just read the letter today. last night my dad told me the letter just said how i reminded travis of himself.

here's the letter:
Maggie,
No one put me up to this. I write beacuse you know i'm not the kind of person to write a letter like this.
you may not realize it but me and you have a lot in common. in the past i have been through the majority of your pain. i was not adopted but my childhood was probably just as lonely - just as absued - and just as abandoned. my issues are different. the details of which are, at this point, unimportant.
i see you smile when you hurt, laugh when you should weep, pretending to be okay when guilt/shame/feelings of worthlessness are killing you.
you are not alone!
your fascade is mine too.
don't beat yourself up for what you did, ever. not for the plastic smiles from the day before, not for the years behind the wall or even the comment that desired applause two minutes ago, because we are human. everyone has this problem to some extent. i do. i might have it worse than you. you might have it worse than me. it doesn't make a difference. "to thine own self be true" follow this to the best of your ability and not only will you have some peace of mind you will cease to crave the approval of others.
i used to pretend i was happy so my parents and siblings would not be upset (sound familiar?) i was an actor in a miserable play. over the past two years i withdrew from this behavior.

i know he wasn't done there. i wish he had had the chance to finish it.
it makes me feel less alone, which is weird, b/c he is gone. but it seems like some of my friends are really depressed, but they never seem to really understand what it means to hate yourself and be as depressed as i can be sometimes. but travis always was. and i feel like he has been the only person i've met who felt the same way i do. that's why it makes me feel like there really is/was someone else out there like me.

i told meg

2004-05-27T03:02:58Z

so i woke up late today and my mom wrote me a note and i went to school for 1st period (b/c it was last) at 12:30. it was fun.

came home...hung around.

ate dinner with my mom.

went to meg's at 7:15. i told her how frustrated i was b/c i had just eaten (she never sees me after i eat, she always sees me early in the afternoon). i just about lost it in there with her. then i finally told her, with like 10 minutes left, that i cut myself. she says 'you know in the hospital, they won't let you see your parents, or me, for a while, but i'll be there as soon as i can.' i was like 'um...?' so who knows. i think if i continue this then i'll end up there. no concerts, nothing. who knows. i'm seeing her friday at 3pm. that's 3 times this week.

went to see quogue practice for 30 minutes with allison. i want to be in a fucking rock band dammit. i want to sing, or play guitar, or something. i just want to be doing that. practice every night with my friends. have fun. play shows for my friends. dammit i want that. bad.

now i'm home...fantasia won american idol. good for her, she was so happy.

i got these 2 stephen kellogg tapes from like 1995 made into cd's. i'm so excited. they are so raw and so good.

shawn ims me now. and talks to me. and tonight he said he was looking for a new guitarist. so i said this:
me: ooh yeah...so i would so offer to be in ur band but 1. that would never ever work 2. that would just be weird and 3. i'm no where near good enough but i saw quogue practice tonight for like 15 minutes and i just wanted to be in a band so damn bad
me: lol it would never ever ever work
shawn: probably wouldn't do much for the image, (not that you're not beautiful) just the whole chick playing guitar thing :)

definately made me smile. :)

goodnight all...

listen to jonny lang.

ilovemusicx @ 2004-05-25T17:36:00

2004-05-25T21:41:33Z

jonny lang's voice...whoa. whoa.

so i saw my phsychiatrist today, and she said she was going to talk to meg about eating disorder programs...there's a lady in dc, but at first she mentioned someone in philidalphia. that was after i told her i wasn't doing anything important this summer...
then she gave me the bill and it always has a number on it, and that's the diagnosis that she's treating...and she's never put anorexia on there, but she did today. so i guess that means it's official? o well...

i need to figure my life out.

i realized today that i did want to be happy, but i'm not willing to give up starving myself for it.

plus she's giving me sleeping pills.

ilovemusicx @ 2004-05-24T21:47:00

2004-05-25T01:46:57Z

i can't improve on my own b/c i don't want to. so where does that leave me?

relapse

2004-05-25T00:50:54Z

so i ate dinner with my mom...and i had tears in my eyes.
then we tried to book a flight to new orleans for next week but it didn't work out so i'm not going. and she yelled at me for it...saying i should be there for my dad's birthday...when it's her fault i'm not there anyway. my life is torn apart. and always has been.
then i tried to make myself throw up. i was crying so hard. but that didn't work out.
so i cut myself instead.

...i feel so sick right now.

i'm so sick of life. sick of dealing with things it doesn't feel like i'll ever get over.
sick of not caring about anything.
sick of getting so upset over things i can't control.
sick of getting so upset over things that i place on myself.
sick of crying.
sick of school.
sick of trying.
sick of dying.

and i'm sick of feeling stuck.
...so tired of living.

i don't have the strength to work at anything anymore.

my dad is here

2004-05-24T22:59:21Z

and another thing...my dad and i usually talk about once a week or so...but since my mom went in to talk to meg last friday about how i was doing...that i'm not doing as well as i was...my dad has called me every single day. he's there...he not there but he finds a way to be there anyway. i love him so much.

i realized...

2004-05-24T21:51:44Z

and i realized today that i think i hate my mom for never being there when i was little. she always worked alot and came home late.

and i realized today that i think i hate myself for making a bad decision of moving up here. eventhough it's most likely better...it's a reason to be mad b/c i hate my mom. but then again, i'm mad at my mom for making me decide...cuz i was too young...i didn't base my decision on the parent i would be dealing with for the rest of my life, i based it meaningless things like weather...etc.

i'm beginning to question if i should have moved up here or not. on bad days, like today, i think that if i had the opportunity to live my life over again starting in 6th grade, i would have stayed in new orleans and not moved. or at least tried it.

shawn

2004-05-24T20:02:19Z

"shawn": Maggie-- I'd like to see ya sometime
Xstandclimbfall: as long as you follow through, i'd like to see you too
"shawn": okay then...
Xstandclimbfall: i dont' mean to keep saying that but i'm not about to let it happen again it's just not something i want to feel anymore
"shawn": I just wanna hang out jesus...
"shawn": why does everything have to be so dramatic?
"shawn": I just wanna be like, hey you wanna go to Wendy's sometime?
"shawn": sure
"shawn": let's go to Wendy's sometime
Xstandclimbfall: you shouldn't have canceled on me so many times then i don't know i'd love to hang out but i'm just saying that i feel like something will come up b/c it did so many times
"shawn": well I'm sorry..
"shawn": you're probably right though...
"shawn": so nevermind
Xstandclimbfall: so i'm not being dramatic cuz u just said i was probably right
"shawn": okay
"shawn": I'll call you sometime soon maggie
Xstandclimbfall: ok

he's SO GAY. but i was not about to be rejected again. notice he said 'you're probably right though...' so i'm not being dramatic. and i don't feel like 'oh i wish i hadn't said anything' which is good.

convo with shawn

2004-05-24T01:41:34Z

so shawn imed me tonight...

shawn: hey
Xstandclimbfall: hey how are you
shawn: alright, how bout you?
Xstandclimbfall: most definately have been better
shawn: yah? what's up?
Xstandclimbfall: i'm just going through the hardest times i've ever been through in my life and i can't seem to move on b/c i dont' want to
shawn: well give me a call sometime... we can talk...
Xstandclimbfall: thank you i might sometimes i just don't feel like anyone wants to listen to me bitch about the way i feel about myself and they think i should just move on and no one understand any of it unless they go through it themselves and i know u aren't going through it ha
Xstandclimbfall: i'm so sick of pretending to be happy too i just wish this would leave me alone...
Xstandclimbfall: but i know you're workin so im done
shawn: I can't help you maggie, I'm sorry, if you don't wanna be happy then I can't help you
shawn: you have to want to do something before you can achieve it
Xstandclimbfall: i know that's why this is confusing and hard

i hate how i feel like i let him down if i'm upset. like he doesn't want to talk to me or be around me if i'm upset. it's really annoying...but like i said, i'm not going to lie to him and say i'm happy when i'm not.

my dream

2004-05-23T20:26:18Z

so last night i had this awesome dream. i was getting married to noah wyle (the young hot one from er). we were at this lunch the day we were getting married, but we weren't married yet, and it was with the whole family, and we were sitting across from eachother. somehow we started talking about waiting to get married, and then he said he wasn't ready. and i took his hand, and i stood up and brought him over away from the table and we just cried. not alot lol but it was the sweetest thing in the world. nothing had happened and we were still going to be together, he just felt like he wasn't ready and i completely understood cuz i didn't feel ready either. we were so in love. it was crazy. good times, he's real hot.

woke up sad

2004-05-23T18:38:40Z

so i woke up today at 1:30, and after about 10 minutes of being up, i just got really sad. i have no idea why...i just am. it has absolutely nothing to do with last night, i just feel really unhappy with my life.

graham

2004-05-23T04:59:02Z

so today i bought two khaki skirts that fit me so well from express today. i'm excited.

and i bought 'the hours' and 'empire records'. WOO!

and i finally cleaned my room.

and i made a new cd.

then my mom and i went to a dinner with her boss's family, and his son is really cute. he's 17 and we are in the same grade but i'm a year older than him. i've always thought he was cute and our parents always tell us that the other one wants us to be there, to make us go.
so we hung out from 7:30 till 12:15. we stole some beer from the party...and we each had about 1.5 beers. we weren't drunk at all but we were beginning to get tipsy and we just kept hinting to eachother that we wanted to make out. so finally around 11 we started making out. but it was like porn, it was so funny cuz it seemed like our parents wanted us to be together, and we were just like 'ok do u want to just do something before you leave b/c i'm never going to see you again' so we did. we just kissed and i did stuff to him but he didn't do anything to me below the belt. i almost gave him head, but i knew i wasn't going to. i just didn't feel weird about it b/c we had already made the situation as akward as it could be...so nothing could have been weird. but i didn't do it b/c i wasn't with him and i didn't want to go any further than i already had been. but it was funny. it was horribly funny. 'your body is a wonderland' was playing in the backround. just...too much. lol.

so i'm home, and i dont' regret it, eventhough it goes against my rules of not hooking up with people i am not with. we did it just cuz we wanted to, and we didn't do anything bad, and i dont' have feelings for him at all, i've just always thought he was cute and nice and fun. it was really fun actually cuz i wasn't nervous at all b/c he was younger than me. good times. we've seen eachother about 4 times...in the past 2 years.
his name is graham by the way. :)

so this kid, bradley, is a sohomore at oakton high school, where elana goes. he is AMAZING. he sings and plays guitar and writes songs, and his songs are amazing, and his voice is even better. good lord i'm obsessed with his music right now.